I am registered to start school again this semester. I took one off to go to FL and to get moved and I just feel like I have been gone sooo long and I have just been so excited to get back at it and then:

I read my email.

My financial aid has been terminated due to not having comp leted 67% of my credit hours applied for!

They are basing this off of the fact that 15 years ago I flunked out one semester and withdrew from another! Back then, 15 damn years ago,  my mind was mush, I was raising 3 boys, all under the age of 6,  by myself and I was defintely not in the frame of mind to be in college.

Now since Fall of 2005 this has never been a problem, but now they are updating their computer systems and they are now including those years as a part of my college experience. Which, hey, go for it. I did it. I screwed up. I know it. But, why does it have to effect what I am doing now?

Since I've been in school I haven't received one grade lower than a "B". I was on the Dean's List last semester for Gosh Sakes! The guy in the Financial Aid office said that it wasn't fair and it isn't.

So, I get to write an appeal letter. Explain that my life was screwed up then and how much better it is now. Explain why I am worthy of getting help from the Government to get some money for college.

BUT, if I was in prison, I would get all that for free anyway! If I was a recovering addict, I would get it all free, If I was this or that........ But, I am just a woman who screwed up as a child... so I get to write and appeal my case for a better life...

Oh well Hell!

Well in thinking about my last blog and all that I wrote.. Why the hell shouldn't I be insecure. I can't count on that man. I can't trust him and you know what? He doesn't trust himself either! That's what he told me when we had this big talk about Friday night. And, I know what he said to her, at least part of it, he asked her to see her nipple piercing. He said that he did remember that.. and that she told him that he was freaking her out about it...

So, this stupid drunk ass boyfriend of mine tells me things that I would rather not know, but he tells me because it's the truth and because he feels lower than dog shit right now and so fucking what?! I couldnt care less about how he feels.. and I am more pissed than ever because he actually did something and it wasn't just my over active mind that made me think so. I am not even pissed. I am hurt and I am saddend and I am disappointed because I know that this is not going to change at all.

He said that he purposely does not put himself into situations that he can get into trouble in. He doesn't go out by himself, always goes with a trusted friend (he has told me things before and will again and J knows it) and he doesn't allow himself to be alone w/woman, and etc.. etc...

So, I asked him if I am to be his damn mother all my life because I am sick of it and sick of him and I just didn't know if I was going to get past this at all. I dont want to get past it. I want him to change and since that is not going to happen, I want him to leave. Leave me alone, let me get on with my life and find a guy that I don't have to babysit to make sure that he is not going to cheat on me.

Ha!

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My insecurity is driving me crazy and I know what I should do about it, I just don't want to.

J has made mistakes in the past. Alot of them. We've been through alot in the last 12 yrs and I have just recently began to feel like he has truly changed and that I can let my guard down... Well, Wrong!

Last night we had some people over including his 20 something step-sister. I have always known J thought she was a pretty girl, but also have always thought that step sisters were off limits.

I mean, I know that he did not do anything physical, but I know that he said something very inappropriate to her. The Story-

J was completely drunk of course, even more so than normal, she wasn't and I wasn't, but I had to get up this morning @ 5am to go to work, so around midnight I went to bed, which left him up w/her and our 10 yr old daughter. I dont know what was wrong or why I did what I did, but from my bedroom, I can see straight out into the living room where they were. I spied. No other way to say it. I did.

J had that stupid "puppy dog" look on his face and I heard him say " I know that we are brother and sister but, I have always thought you were beautiful..." and then he was talking softly and I couldn't hear, but I could see him talking and leaning into her,  and then he motioned her closer to him, she leaned over, he said something, she pulled away and sat closer to the corner of the couch. Then they talked a little more and they "pinkie promised" (hook ur pinky's and promise something).   I could tell she was uncomfortable, and he was ready to go.. If she had shown any interest he would of done her right there! I know deep down in my heart he would have. 

Well, I called him into the room, confronted him, got his stupid "I don't know what you are thinking" and "you are wrong" and "You're crazy" speech.. all with that dumb innocent look.. to be honest he was so drunk I had to repeat myself a hundred times...Anyway

I got up and went out to the living room... Our daughter was on the PC in the dining room and I got her into bed and settled and then turned to J and told him it was time to eat and go to bed, while I was getting him done, Sis went to daughter's room and sat in there. When I talked to her I said " I am sorry for anything he might have said, he's really drunk " She said "it's ok, I knew he was drunk, don't worry about it." So, what did he say?

Anyway, I put daughter to bed, put him to bed and took her home All @ 1am! On the way home, sis made the comment "I feel bad because I brought that beer, I think it is stronger than what he is used to?" Now, being a student in the Human Serv field I know that that is a classic victim statement! (My fault he did this, because  I...) I told her no, that had nothing to do w/it and just let it go...

I don't want to know what that ass said. I don't care. I just know that he did something wrong and that he hurt me one more time.

So the question is.. Why am I  Still Here? 

I love my job and I am pretty lucky for having it! It's not often that a person can say that,  but it's true for me :)

My boss has told me over and over that he would like to promote me so that I would basically become him when he is not here, which is alot for our small office. Due to some staffing issues though, that hasn't happened as soon as either one of us would like.  In the meantime though, I have been doing all the things that I started doing that made him want to promote me. It's alot of extra work and responsibility and now he really just either assume's that I am going to do it or, he relies or me to get it done.. either way, I was starting to feel the slightest bit of resentment about it. After all its been 4 -5 months since he started talking about a promotion as well as the raise that goes with it..

Anyway, shame on me for lacking in faith, My boss told me this week  that he is giving me a raise (substantial) AND paying me for the 10 days that I just took off in Feb for my vacation to FL (wonderful time) AND making it ALL retroactive to reflect my raise!

The money is awesome! But, the acknowledgment and recognition of my hard work was even better.... It really meant alot that he came to me and said that the whole promotion thing was taking alot longer than expected but, he really wanted me to know how much he appreciates me..

Soo.... That is that.

Home Life..

We got the 1st step in Scott's 4 Step program for the lawn last night and did that.. so we can have a beautiful lawn... lol. Seriously, the previous owner spent alot of time and money on landscaping and its going to be really great when everything comes in.. there are soo many green shoots coming up and I can't wait to see what kinds of flowers are going to come up..

Living w/J is still hit or miss. One day good, next day drunken ass, who figures....

See Ya

Im am tired today. I am tired everyday it seems like. This is going to be a whiney post, so if I was you I would turn around now....

I am tired of getting so little sleep at night. I am tired of sleeping on a bed that is killing my back. I've woken up half paralyzed because my back has hurt soo bad. I am tired of someone in my house not  caring about that either.

I am tired of waiting for my boss to decide if he is going to "annouce" my promotion. We have a small company and I understand that there are many issues to deal with but, enough is enough. I am tired of doing the work and not getting the recognition or the pay for it, and I am tired of being seen as "someone trying to be the boss" vs "the boss".

I am mostly tired of trying to have a happy, stable relationship with an active alcoholic. It's hard. It's tiring, and it's sad. Not only for me, but for him and for our daughter.

I am just plain tired tonight.

This is a poem that a dear friend wrote.. I hope that some of you like it as much as I do.

J and I had a really good time in Florida. It was really nice to be able to get away and spend time with each other without having to drag up all the old shit.. We had no worries and had enough money to truly enjoy ourselves and it was just AWESOME! I have never seen such a beautiful place in my life and I cannot wait for  the chance to be able to go again.....

In Miami we spent alot of time at the beaches our favs were Hollywood Beach and Haulover Park

 Our Feet!!

Haulover is a nudie beach and believe me.. we were just as naked as our feet are!!! It was wonderful, exhilarating, the BEST  thing ever.... We didn't find it until the day before we left or we would of spent half our time there.. I've never done it before but, I will again, as many times as I can.

The water is just soo beautiful!

In Key West we did a sunset cruise on a huge sailboat, the Liberty Clipper, it was very peaceful, serene and they had plenty of free beer and champagne.. the ship was so big that you really couldn't feel alot of movement until I had 3 glasses of bubbly.. :)

The Liberty Clipper & the Sunset

 How Beautiful is that?

Also on Key West, J went scuba diving and deep sea fishing, I spent that time shopping and getting a mani & pedi.. I pampered myself terribly and spent waaayy too much money!

Lets see we also spent time on Duval St doing the "Duval Crawl" the whole street is bars and shops and you can just go from one to the other w/your drink in your hand the whole time! I went shopping @ Walgreen's drinking my Strawberry Daquri, what a life!

All in all, it was one of the best times in my life and it has truly helped J and I out alot.. although, now that we are back to reality, the signs of stress are here.. I hate it.. Better to think of:

Just felt like writing to say that I am STILL HERE, just really busy.

I went to Florida and had the best time of my life and now that I am home I think that I am having vacation let down or something. I've been kind of depressed and weepy for the last week.

But, I've gotten a little better the last few days, I remembered that I have this brand new house and I've started organizing things, throwing things away and fixing the place up the way that I want it.

And, J is moving back in. We had such a good time together in FL that I thought that we can really do this. Now, I am just not so sure again. He is who he is and that's that. I wish that I could be satisfied with the way it is, but I just can't be. I want more.

Ah... LIFE

I want to unload more later and describe in detail the wonderful worlds of Miami and Key West....

Later!

J

This blog is for TJ, i miss Him so much in my life. He is/was a very, very dear friend to me when i needed Him most. He came into my life at a time when i felt like i was the lowest thing on Earth. He made me see that i had value, that i was worth much more than i was letting myself believe, He taught me to be strong again, and most important He gave me permission to do it.

TJ helped me define who i was and what i wanted out of my life. i am ashamed to say this after all the time He spent with me and all the effort He invested in me that i have kind of been sliding backwards on all the progress that W/we made.

W/we wrote a Moral Code together and i have recently taken it out of the special place that i keep it to read over it and i have discovered that i am not truly living up to it. That shames me TJ. i know that You expected better of me.

i have been so overwhelmed with everything going on that i have lost sight of what it is that i really want out of life and i am just now beginning to find my way back.

i know that this is a silly post, as if You are ever going to see it, but i needed to write it to You. i am doing alot of what W/we discussed, i am in school still, my kids are very much first and i am standing up for alot of what i want for myself....

i am not keeping to the ex thing. You knew i wouldn't anyway though, but i am different than i was when W/we first met. For him anyway, not for You.

i am the same DC that is sitting up pretty and begging for Your attention...

XOXO~ dc

We closed on the house this past Friday, God what a feeling! By Saturday I had taken all my new kitchen things (I got a brand new kitchen for xmas) to the new house, relined all the shelves and put my new things away! Brand new dishes, pots and pans, glasses, silverware and other things... The kitchen at least is beautiful and ready to move in.

I love the colors that the previous owner had used and I've decided to keep them so most of moving in will be easy in the decorating sense. The only things that I want to paint are the bedrooms and they are just so small that a gallon each will do it.

Sunday is the big day, the truck will be here @ 10 am. I don't know why I set it up so early, that's my only sleep in day but, that's ok, I am so ready to be out of here.

My current landlord is giving me a rash of shit about my deposit. $595.00 he has and says that it is not his responsibilty to pay it back becase he bought the house half way through my lease and that the previous owner needed to refund my money. Bull shit.

I may not be a landlord myself, but I wasn't born yesterday and I've moved enough to know better. After I told him that he started saying that the house needed to be move in ready for the next tenants and that included painting! I've been here for over 2 years with kids I might add, the walls are dingy, that's life. He needs to paint them... what an ass.

Speaking of asses, J was here all weekend as well as last night. He can be such a pathetic person sometimes and its usually when he is good and drunk. He just has to have his way on everything and at one point I just gave up and told him that I didn't think that we should get back together. I just don't think that I can handle it.

Between him and my mom telling me what to do with this house, I am kind of stressing over it already. I just want both of them to back off and let me be with the damn house for a minute before I even think about everything that needs, or could use changing. I told both of them that and at least she has backed off a bit, he just asked "When do I get a say in anything"... typical!

My boss is still making reference to when I'll be gone about how bad off he will be.. I told him today that he would be just fine and that I needed this so please just be happy for me.

I tried on some bathing suits for my trip.. good lord.. I think I will just stay of the beach!

:)

Why am I still here? Its all about why I am still dealing with J in my life. Why I am still in love to the bottom of my soul with this man? Its all about when am I going to accept that this is not a healthy relationship and just let go.

I have tried to let go. I have tried really hard. He even married someone else the first time we separated and we still couldn't let go of each other. This time I swore that I would break it off with him and we would go our separate ways, yet here it is a year and a half later and we are still doing the same ole things.

He loves me, I know he does. I know that he tries to be the man that I want and I know that he cannot do it. He is too self-centered, I learned about his personality disorder last semester in my Abnormal Psych class. He is a narcissist, I knew I was reading about J in the very first paragraph of that chapter. I on the other hand am a Dependant personality type. I knew that as soon as I read that chapter as well. My counselor has confirmed this about me and really has her suspicions about J but I don't need her verification. I know he is.

He has been making good money and has been spending it as well including buying a new cell, a Palm Centro. He has had nothing but problems with it since, little problems but time consuming and frustrating anyway. I've spent tons of time with either him or customer care helping him debug this thing. I do it because I love him and he really isn't too techie and since I used to sell them I know a bit more than he does.

Well, since Sunday I have been unable to receive text messages.  I am not sure why but it really is pissing me off. Tonight I called tech support and asked them to help, he wanted me to call J and ask him to send  a text so they could track it through the system. I called him and asked and J said "No". I knew he was playing pool but this would of taken 2 seconds of his time and its really important to me. I just hung up on him and asked someone else. I was so damn hurt that he would just say No like that after everything I do for him.

He of course called back and I told him I was busy with the tech and I would call him when I was done. He called back to say that he sent a message, I thanked him and told him I would call back again. He hung up cussing.

When I called back he started yelling at me for worrying about a stupid fucking message when he was losing his $1500 a week job, he was told that he was fired and then was told that maybe he could work on the crew (he's the boss now) and then said that he wouldn't know until tomorrow @ 10 am.

Jesus I had no idea what he was talking about. I talked to him after work and he seemed fine. He listened to me for a while and I was really happy because we had just got into last night because he was "too busy" for me again. I told him that he needed to  make time for me and that was that, so I thought "cool, he is actually listening to me".. anyway we talked about everything and then hung up. 3 hours later he is screaming at me about his job. I have no idea what happened and I am almost scared to know. Sometimes I don't think he is always on the up and up with what he tells me about work and I have no clue what he could of done to make it this bad now.

This job is a big deal job. He also is very, very close to being hired in by this company in a position that would have him traveling around the states supervising other job sites. It's an awful big opportunity and I can't for the life of me think of what could have gone wrong.

Back to him yelling at me, he just kept going on and on about how I was worried about my stupid phone and he wouldn't explain anything, kept saying that he didn't want to talk about it and that if I loved him I would leave him alone for the night and then when he had me bawling (again) he said that he loves me, hates to hear me cry but he'll talk to me tomorrow. Thats all. Just hung up. I want to call him again, but I haven't and I won't.

So, what makes me stay here and take this shit. Last night it was his new laptop that he was setting up and didn't have time for me because of that. Earlier it was pool. Then he blow up about the job. I feel like he never has time for me and I am the very last person on his list to satisfy when I should be the very first. Every time I talk to him it's always, "make it fast".

And there's the trip to FL hanging over our heads. I wanted so bad to have that time to be together, just us, but I am so afraid that all we are going to do is fight. I won't be fun enough, carefree enough, like him. But of course, I will be the one making sure that everything is in place and I'll be the one calling our daughter and the family that she is staying with. I'll be the one making reservations, and finding things to do. But I won't be fun.

That's what he told me last week. That was his fear. I am not fun enough. I had to remind him that while he is living w/another single guy, drinking all the time, eating out, going to bars, buying what ever he wants because he total bills equal $100 a week, that I am the one with his child. Paying the rent, utilities, making dinner, going to the grocery, or to Wal-Mart for her clothes or school supplies. I was the one working 45 hours a week, going to school for 6 hours and finding the sitters and transportation for K every day. Yes, I am not so fun all the time. I live in the real world.

I am going on vacation in Feb for 2 weeks. My boss has approved this and has known about it for 5 months now. He is now trying to bribe me not to go or to come back early or to change the dates.

I wouldn't have a problem changing dates but J cannot at all due to his job, his is not as flexible as mine is. We've had these tickets for almost 5 months. I have never been anywhere and I am going to Florida for 2 whole weeks!! I cannot give it up especially as J bought this trip for us to try to re-connect again and I need it.

I feel selfish by telling my boss to deal with it, but basically today that is what I did. To top this off he just recently offered me a lead position in our company. Its the first assistant manager that he has ever had. The company is growing and someone has to step up and lead and take on more responsibility and he has chosen me to do this. I know how special this is and what an opportunity it is. Its a raise, its reinforcement of a job well done and recognition for what I am doing anyway.. I know all this, but I desperatly need this vacation with J.

To be fair my boss has kind of been put into a positon himself, we are getting a Huge new client and the dates have been changed on him. The original dates would not have affected my trip but they moved the time up on us and I will be gone for two weeks when he could truly need me there.  I tried to see what I could do but J's job is not as flexible as mine and we are going to be staying with friends for part of the trip and we cannot ask them to change their plans and I told my boss this today.  He of course said that they would be fine, but still left me feeling guilty.

So, I offered daily phone calls and emails to keep in touch as well as told him that we could set up the accounts a couple of afternoons over the phone. J is going to kill me. But, I think that I owe that to my boss, I mean of all the damn timing for this to happen....

I feel so guilty about leaving, but lord so excited about my upcoming trip as well as my new position @ work!!!

Now, I just hope that the others are as happy for me or if they will feel like I've betrayed them or something. I have been there less time than some of them have but, leaders are leaders, at least that is what my boss says!

side note~

J spent the weekend and we had a really good time. My baby boy turned 18 on Saturday and we had a little party for him... not too bad.. and we just had a quiet night on Friday. I am glad that J considered what I said about spending family time with us. We also for the first time talked about some of the expectations that each of us have about moving in together again. A really serious talk that left me feeling that life would be ok......

My sister and her husband moved out today!! She has lived with me for the last two years and him for the last 6 months. I am soo glad that they are gone! Its been very hard with them here although they had their good points.

--My daughter and I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks tonight. It was a pretty cute movie and I am glad that I was able to take her and spend some time alone.

We drove by the new house and there is a SOLD sign in front of it.. Its MINE, I bought a house!! I am so excited.... We close on the 18th and I get possession on the 25th. So, I will be in my new house by the end of the month! A little sad about my baby boy moving out but I know that he is ready to leave the nest.

On a side note about J...

He is in rare form tonight. I called after the movie to see what he was doing and he said that he was @ the bar down the street from my house and he would be over tonight. He's down there drinking with an old friend. I asked when he would be home and he said "when I get there". I told him that wasn't quite fair to me, I'd like to have some idea and he said forget it, he'd just go to a hotel because I wasn't pinning him down like that.

For him to just out to the blue tell me that he is coming over tonight I think I have a right to know when.

I feel like he thinks that he can just treat me anyway he wants and that is that. He wants to have both, a home and family, but also his bachlor life. That is fine with me but he is not doing that here. He can stay out partying all week @ his house, but when he is here with us, he is going to be a family man and that is just how I feel about it. Right or Wrong.

-- Again, I bought a house for the first time in my life and I am soo excited!

We stayed apart for a year. We talked and spent so much time together and got along so well that we got back together again.

I was done with the drugs, he was done with the women, after all he had his beer now. I really do believe that he just traded one for the other. He couldn't drink so he had to channel that addiction somewhere and that is where it went.

At the time we got back together he was working construction and was with all guys, I had a severe, terrible trust problem at that time. I still do, although not nearly as bad as then. We got a new apartment together. By then it was just my oldest son and our daughter, (my youngest went and stayed with his dad for a few years, he lives out of state). J still drank like a fish, I mean he drinks NO LESS than 18 beers a night, I think he is pretty much up to 20 now. I wasn't drinking but I started to, just to keep up with him and have something in common I guess. That didn't last long though. I couldn't do it and I never really did like drinking. I am not one that can handle her booze very well. We fought horribly and that gets tiring after a while.

We both worked, kept house, raised the kids, the middle boys came home in the summers and it was nice. J just drank too much. We didn't make nearly the amount of money that he once did but we were ok, we had a home and food, and of course, beer.

J startd to change. His mind quit working right. He blacked out all the time so he didn't remember anything that we did as a family the night before. He would accuse us all of saying things that we never said. He started to give K (our daughter) drunken lectures about her school work (2nd grade)... J just really changed. We started fighting all the time, I couldn't stop myself from fighting with him when he was drunk, I had to make him see reason. I still do that sometimes. Pisses me off that I let myself.

Other things started changing too, I enrolled in college, I got a better job, started feeling different about myself. Still couldn't quite get over his infidelity from before and that really hurt the both of us. I think the biggest change was just getting more self-esteem. I didn't need to deal with him like this. I didn't have to be so dependant on him and I needed to heal more.

I asked him to move out right after K's 9th birthday last year and he did. He moved in with one of his friends (a whole other story) and he is still there. Although.....

K cannot be over there, it is not an environment for little girls, and to be honest I will not let him keep her overnight yet anyway. He started coming over here Friday nights to stay with her because I worked 2nd and then worked again 1st on Saturday, so that was his time with her. We slept together sometimes and sometimes not. After a year we have decided to just be. We love each other, neither one of us wants to be single but we don't want to be together quite yet either. I am secure with him, I know that the woman thing is a thing of the past, that is the only thing that I am secure in though.

Things are a little different now. He is here on the weekends because we want him to be, not because of my work, but that is as far as we've committed to yet. We are trying to work things out, we want to be a family again, it's just a long process right now and we are taking our time.

The boys are all moved out, except for the youngest and he is moving in two weeks when I close on the house. By the way, the boys moved back home when C was 16 and A, 14. I was thrilled to have them, but I think it was hard on J and I's relationship at the time it was so strained anyway....

More later----

I met J a little over 11 years ago and we have a 10 yr old daughter, so that tells you a little something right there....

I had just gotten out of a particularly bad relationship and due to what happened then I was trying to drink myself numb every night. I already had three boys and they were with thier Dad for the summer which in my opinon made things worse for me, if they were home, I would not have been sitting in the bar everynight....

Anyway, I wasn't a drinker I just started that year with the bad guy and here I was drowning myself when I met J. He didn't drink, he had his shit together, he seemed to need to take care of me. My knight in shining armour!

I fought him about the drinking, he wasn't going to tell me what to do I thought. I pushed him to the point and at the end of it decided that I was going to stop screwing around because I liked him and I wanted him.

My boys came home except for my middle son, he was 7 and wanted to stay with his dad. I let him although that almost sent me under again, but I had the other two that needed me and J.  He liked them, they liked him, everything was perfect.  A few months went by and I was pregnant and I started to see that J needed someone to take care of him far more than I did.

We moved in together and here we are 11 years later going through our second seperation.

He didn't drink and didn't want me to because he was on Antibus. I didn't know what it was or how serious his drinking problem was that put him on it, I do now.

For the first four years together he didn't drink. He blossomed when he got together. He got a car, had two jobs for a while, ended up with one that paid him over $1000 a week, under the table of course, (which started off years of tax problems). We got a bigger house, better cars, nicer things.  I had never had that much money before and I am ashamed to say that I did not handle it well at all. He didn't either.

He went on to a better job that put him into a managment position at a big national rent to own company, unfortunately it also put him into contact with a lot of women, desperate women that wanted to keep their TV's but didn't have any money that week. He paid their bills for "services rendered". He also serviced my best friend but I didn't know any of this at the time.

He also got off Antibus. It started off as a weekend thing, then a Wednesday + wknd, then screw it, an everyday thing. He also got a job being a Karaoke host at the neighborhood bar.

By that time I was just too boring, too fat, too dependant on him for him to keep me and he started getting sloppy about his girls. I found out of course one night when one of his bar sluts told me I had a nice waterbed while he was on-stage.... He got a busted nose and busted equipment, I got barred and that was our first seperation.

Not to make him out to be the complete bad guy, by this time I had decided to relaspe with a drug that I had problems with back in my early 20's and the bar scene plus his inattention just seemed to make it okay in my mind to spend his money making myself high. The terrible thing that we both seemed to forget was that we had children who needed us.... they were fine and well taken care of but, they needed better parents than what we were being at that time.

To anyone who says that money equals happiness... I beg to differ. I think it can just make it worse if you don't know how to control it.

Later---

It's hard talking to a drunk.

Since we do not live together right now J and I talk on the phone each night, mainly so that I can see how he is before he talks to K (our daughter), also because I am a fool and I just want to talk to him.

Tonight I asked him about helping me with the cost of taking K to the Dr. She needs to be seen for a minor thing but mostly just for a check up, she is hitting puberty and I want her to just have one. Neither one of us has insurance and office visits are $68, and that is alot on me right now.

That one question started off a full circle of crap conversation!

J pays child support, not as much as he should and he is the first to admit it. We have worked this out ourselves, no courts or anything and right now he is making alot of money, alot more then when we first decided on an amount. So, when he started making this money I talked to him about maybe giving me a little more each week. He said no, he didn't think that that was the way to do it, but he would start taking care of the things that K needed extra... clothing, shoes, haircuts....etc. All I had to do was to call him and tell him she needed something.

Well, I have done that twice. Once to get her some more winter clothes and once for Girl Scout money for something. He on the other hand has offered extra here and there for her, which of course I took. Children are expensive!

So anyway, tonight he says "When I told you that I would pay her things I didn't mean for you to call me every night with something new" Well shit, I haven't really asked for anything! He has given, but I haven't asked.. and here I am asking to HELP me, not to PAY for it, to take her to the DR.

He proceeded to tell me that he was taking her to get her eyes checked and since he was shelling out that money, I could take her to the Dr. And then he talked about all the times that I have asked him for money for her. Which of course, after he had to talk about it he remembered that I didn't ask for any of it in the first place, so after about 5 mins he said that he would help because he was wrong.

Ha! Not two sentences later we started to go through the whole damn conversation again, at which time I just said whatever and that I would take her to the Dr myself.

Tomorrow, I will talk to him again before he has more than a 6 pack in him.

That is just a small example of our conversations if I happen to catch him to late in the evening.

 Things that are going on in my life right now that are creating TONS of stress:

1) I am buying a house w/my mother and closing is to be on the 18th of Jan.

2) My 11 yr on and off again relationship w/my daughter's father. I love him desperately but, he is an alcoholic.

3) School~ part time college student

4) My 3 oldest children have moved out. My middle son was the first to go about a year ago, and now my oldest and youngest son's have moved out within the last month. They are of age and now it is me and my 11 yr old daughter left.

5) Work, of course. Changes are being made here that I am not sure that I am capable of doing or wanting to do.

6) My relationship is currently the hardest thing that I am going through right now and will be my next blog.

I am not looking for anything from this, it is just a place to put my thoughts and for maybe one day to look back and see how silly I was to worry about all of these things.  I hope so anyway